Your Health This (Alcoholic and Obese) Week

Alcohol damages women’s brains faster than men’s, according to a study on Russian alcoholics. So if I am not *technically* an alcoholic then I shouldn’t be worried, right?

Got migraines? Well, comfort yourself: the brain-melting pain (and the drugs used to treat it) seems to protect against cognitive decline later in life. You know, if a heart attack doesn’t kill you first. 

Now more incentive than ever for employers to build that in-office gym! Compared to thinner types, obese employees filed twice as many workers’ compensation claims, which averaged $51,019 per 100 workers compared with $7,503 per 100 non-obese employees. Fat workers also lost 13 times as many work days. Good thing we don’t pay them as much, eh?

Time to give yourself an ulcer. On purpose. It seems that Helicobacter pylori, the bacteria that cause ulcers to form in your stomach, actually protects against allergies and asthma. Our tummies are just too hygienic these days, say the authors. Time to eat some dirt; it will make you happy, too.

Electronic mosquito repellents, which emit shrill noises to shoo away the winged bloodsuckers, don’t do diddly-squat according to the review-masters at the Cochrane Collaboration. Not to mention they don’t smell near as nice as citronella. Me, I just make sure I’m traveling with tastier people. Not a great overall public health strategy, but hey.

Atkins, South Beach, The Zone, Low Carb, Low Glycemic Index, Low Glycemic Load – it’s all a bunch of hooey. When it comes to losing weight, it’s really about just plain old calorie-cutting. That is, unless you want to prevent brain cancer. Then low carb is best.

If you are going to get addicted to methamphetamines, please do so in an urban setting. Those country addicts seem to have far more medical and psychiatric problems than city folk. It’s just unseemly, really.

One more reason to keep your kids away from the TV: Those junk-food ads really work. In a U.K. study of 9–11-year-olds, researchers found that obese kids who saw a food ad prior to a cartoon ate up to 138 percent more calories than those who didn’t see the ad. Okay, that’s actually scary.

In even more terrifying news, a(nother) large study on abortion and breast-cancer risk found no link between the two, which sounds good. The bad news is that women in Texas, Kansas, Mississippi and Minnesota must by law be counseled of this “risk” before getting an abortion. Fun times.

Disclaimer: Your Health This Week and Inkling magazine would like to remind you that this is a humorous article. If this were an advice article, it would clearly say “Advice” somewhere near the top. If the web page you are viewing does happen to say “Advice” above, that is likely a glitch in your operating system, browser, or contact-lens prescription. Alternatively, it could be a sign of your budding methamphetamine addiction. In which case, if your speed-freakiness is of a rural sort, we would advise you to seek medical attention immediately. If we gave advice, that is (see above). (But not all-the-way-at-the-top-of-the-page above, just earlier-in-this-paragraph above).