Your Health This (Insanely Stupid and Religious) Week

Feeling guilty about eating an entire kilogram of Cadbury MiniEggs you bought on Tuesday for 75% off? Well don’t be ridiculous. Chocolate is a h.e.a.l.t.h. food, people. H.e.a.l.t.h.y. Say it with me….

Bacterial meningitis eats baby brains. No really. Sixteen-year-olds in the U.K. who suffered a bout of meningitis in their first year of life scored much poorer on school standardized tests. So, yeah. Don’t let your babies kiss college kids living in dorms.

If you are stupid enough to take drugs and even stupider to take drugs in a situation where you have to pass a drug test, please avoid killing yourself with a Vitamin B overdose in the hopes of passing said urine exam. The only thing you’ll succeed in doing is going to the E.R., where they are sure to test you for drugs. Ha.

Though family dinners are usually associated with healthier foods and more fruits and veggies, it seems that family dinners around the TV show no such benefits in the average American home. So please make sure to get the KFC Mega Meal, and not just the bucket, because it comes with three salads: potato, coleslaw and of course macaroni. Thank you.

It seems that the moral compass of religion can help protect against HIV – or at least the risky sex and multiple partners that pass it around, according to a study of 1,421 U.S. HIV patients. Lead author Frank Galvan at Charles R. Drew University of Medicine and Science had this to say, “This study suggests that there’s a role for religious institutions to play in the fight against the spread of HIV. They have these core belief systems that do have a positive impact on the lives of people who are HIV-positive and who are sexually active. Religiosity is an untapped resource in the whole struggle against HIV and AIDS, and should be looked at more thoroughly.”

Eureka! Let’s just give Africa some RELIGION to curb the rate of HIV infection, estimated at 2.5 million people in 2005. Why didn’t we think of it before? Oh wait. We did. Like 500 years ago. Now how about some condoms, already?

Are you crazy? Is someone you know crazy? Well help is out there. Reach out. Don’t be among the 66% of the mentally ill losers who don’t get the help they need. No stigma or nuthin’.

In medical news I never, ever, ever wanted to know about, we find a study about relieving constipation: A study investigated a biofeedback remedy focusing on anal muscle relaxation and coordination and simulated defecation training.” I think that pretty much speaks for itself.

Speaking of tightasses, Bush is planning to once again veto an embryonic stem cell bill that just passed the Senate. On the other hand, the newly Democratic House might opt to slim the $176 million Bush gave to abstinence-only “sex education” last year (under Clinton in 1997, they received just $10 million). Abstinence-only educators have opened a trade association in Washington in order to prevent such cuts. We wish them SO VERY much luck. In fact, we wish that they would break a leg. Or maybe get a fatal disease only curable by embryonic stem cells.

Disclaimer: Your Health This Week and Inkling magazine would like to remind you that this is a humorous article. We can’t in good faith recommend the KFC Mega Meal, because as fatty as the chicken is, we don’t have any idea what is in those salad-like mixtures in the Styrofoam tubs. Furthermore, we Inklingers are compassionate sorts and we don’t really wish incurable diseases on anyone. Maybe constipation though. It’s an irregular world out there; please use your bran fiber cereal whenever possible. And if that fails, God help you.