Your Health This (Caffeinated) Week

Drinking at least 28 cups of coffee per week can drastically lower your risk of developing liver cancer, according to a study of Italian men and women. IRISH COFFEES ALL AROUND. I mean, any liver-cancer inducing effects of alcohol can be neutralized by consuming it with coffee, right? Because that is totally what I am taking away from this.

In more it’s-great-to-live-in-a-town-with-a-Starbucks-on-every-corner news, a team of Dutch researchers found that high levels of coffee consumption (up to six cups a day) is associated with lower blood pressure, especially in women. The authors theorize that heavy drinkers may become tolerant to the temporary blood pressure-raising compounds in the coffee. So that caffeine headache? Totally healthy.

Pairing a high-fish diet with cholesterol-lowering statin medication is more effective at reducing heart attacks in Japanese men than just statins alone. Which kind of makes me wonder what would happen if you just ditched the pills and went straight for the pisces, especially considering that the Japanese already eat more fish than heart-attack-happy Americans. And in case the Yanks kick up a fuss about diets and lifestyle changes, fish oil comes in handy pills, too.

Is your boyfriend/husband/brother/father angry and depressed? Well snap him out of it! At least he didn’t get doused in Agent Orange, as did the Vietnam vets who revealed that the grumps can lead to increased heart attack risks.

Children of “philosophical” Arkansas parents should be avoided at all costs, because while stupidity isn’t contagious, diseases carried by these unvaccinated kids are. In 2003, Arkansas introduced a “philosophical” exemption from otherwise mandatory vaccine programs for ailments like measles or mumps. Parents have been taking them up on it. The authors say it’s because parents of this generation have never actually witnessed the ravages of diseases that today’s vaccines prevent. Makes “philosophical” sound like polital code for “ignorant.”

In a study of 14,000 Swedes, Smokers averaged 14 more sick days per year than people who had never smoked. They also got a ton more break time. Wait a minute – aren’t we supposed to be discouraging smoking? Delicious cigarettes and more time off to boot! Sounds like a good deal to me.

A low-cal Atkins diet might cure brain cancer. No I am not joking and yes it is only in mice, but there you have it. Bring on the (back) bacon. 

If you have small children, please make sure that your television is sturdily attached to its shelf. You wouldn’t want to be among the growing number of parents who’ve had a child squashed by a toppling TV. Really, it’s just embarassing. What would the neighbours say? Might be just the time to buy one of those wall-attached plasmas, hey dads?

And finally, scientists have begun to unravel just why pigs are so happy in shit. It seems that friendly dirt bacteria boost immune systems, encouraging our brains to release more of the ‘happy’ neurotransmitter serotonin. Go roll, baby, go roll.

Disclaimer: Your Health This Week and Inkling magazine would like to remind you that this is a humorous article. If you need proof of this, just picture in your mind a small child pinned to a shag carpet by an obese television. Now picture the child unvaccinated and catching the mumps while standing outside during a smoke break in Sweden. Not so funny, huh? It’s a harrowing world out there, please remember to stay caffeinated (or roll in the mud) whenever possible.