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Your Health This (Experienced) Week
In this edition of Your Health, we explore the nature of experience, wisdom and fine lines on an 80-year-old’s arm.
Thinking of getting a colonoscopy? Make sure your ass-man has done at least 150 procedures before he touches yours.
Forget pickles and ice cream, the nouveau pregnancy craving du jour is apples and fish. But this combo won’t just make you smell weird, it will also protect your newborn from asthma, allergies and eczema.
Botox, the “Jack of All Cures”, can now add prostate problems to its list of conquests. Doesn’t it just make you feel all warm and paralyzed inside?
Big hospitals with advanced neonatal care units are a major plus for preemie survival rates. Babies born weighing less than 3.3 pounds at big hospitals are up to 2.7 times less likely to die than those at smaller hospitals. So if you go into labor early, pay the extra 50$ and get the cabby to drive you to the one with the NICU. Of course you’ll be more likely to have your baby in said car, where neonatal mortality rate is (at a very conservative guess) six times greater. Cost-benefit-cost-benefit....
Paramedics trained specially to relieve breathing difficulties on ambulance rides enjoy a 30% increase in the survival of their patients. It’s like that Anna Nalick song from Grey’s Anatomy “just breathe…just breathe…whoa breathe…just breathe.” And then they stick a tube down your windpipe….
Want to reduce the appearance of “experience” from your face? Well OMG, why not try some Retinol? A recent industry-funded study found that retinol reduces wrinkles in women over 80 years old. But women also cut back on use after the trial because of skin irritation and the effects of the treatment weren’t permanent. Sounds like $65 well spend to me.
An experienced, well-payed daycare worker with benefits can reverse the trend of increased mental illness among adults raised in poor, unstable homes. Too bad all the experienced, well-paying daycares with benefits are for the rich people who can afford them.
