Science’s New Year’s Resolutions

Image: Photo of hand by Brian Lary

1. Not let religions that have bastardized my name by ending it with ology trump me in the headlines.

2. Not call something a planet unless I’m really really really really sure.

3. Speaking of dogs, I will try to hire more of them to do my PR. People ate up the dogs sniffing cancer story!

4. Next time I’m sure about something, get Al Gore to make the movie about it in year one, not year 16.

5. Enact affirmative action for the non-charismatic non-megafauna.

6. Tell those dolts at the Discovery Institute to go discover THIS !!?$%*!! [insert upright digitus tertius here]

6. Work things out with Kansas.

7. Force the Ivory-Billed woodpecker to out itself at gunpoint, if necessary. On second thought, maybe not the best idea.

8. Bar labs from being backlit with fancy neon colours on TV. Related: schedule chat with CSI Director of Photography ASAP. Blue lighting does NOT suit my complexion.

9. Think of more candies that make for good experiments to post on YouTube. Lifesavers? Are Bonkers still around?

10. Not nick myself with Occam’s razor when the blade gets dull.

11. Not sweat the small stuff. Unless it’s nanotech and I can’t keep that junk from sneaking in through my pores.

12. Not use the Russian mafia to procure black market mammoth bits for cloning.

13. Take into account the average person’s short-term memory before contradicting myself in studies involving hormone replacement therapy, the benefits/dangers of daily exercise and just how many hours of sleep are the minimum to avoid inducing road rage.

14. Apply my method to the Rosie/The Donald feud to
back-calculate an algorithm for World Peace.

15. Solve that pesky malaria problem, money or no money! (Speaking of which, don’t forget: prezzies for Bill, Melinda, & Buffet)

16. Not publish, in the same week, two major epidemiological studies on the health benefits of eating fish that give totally contradictory advice.

17. Create MySpace page in efforts to become BFF with cool people ie. The Pipettes - way to popularize small volumes ladies…