Your Health This Week

Women are twice as likely to seek help for excessive sweating. Which seems weird to me, because my mom always said that “horses sweat, men perspire and women glow.” I suppose all these ladies suffering hyperhidrosis have armpits that are just a bit too dazzling.

Drinking hand sanitizer is bad for you. Because that alcohol, see, it’s not the same kind as beer (ethanol vs. isopropanol), a fact which supposedly has confused a thirsty prison inmate and hospitalized alcoholic. Mental note: Disinfectants kill things which usually means they are kind of, well, poison; better stick to huffing glue.

Grandparents going a little wonky? Slip some selenium into their Jell-O. A study of French seniors found that old people with lower levels of selenium did poorer on tests of cognitive ability.

With all this fuss over too-fat teens, you’d think there weren’t any too-skinny ones. But there are and they might be setting themselves up for osteoporosis. Our bones reach maximum density during adolescence, so skimping on food (you know, a great source of protein, calcium and vitamin D) during those heady times is bad news. Which just makes it even more physics-defying that über-skinny models don’t literally break into pieces while strutting down the runway in four-inch heels and dresses that weigh more than they do (see Galliano, John).

Tea tree and lavender oils may cause prepubescent boys to grow boobies. Compounds in the oils seem to mimic the female sex hormone estrogen. Bad news for boys – but what does it mean for all those breast-enhancing creams? Is there hope yet?

We are all well aware of the dangers of soccer: minivans, large and practical purses, high-waisted and tapered jeans and the unnecessary application of pearls. But watch out, the kids might get hurt, too. Around 1.6 million boys and girls in the U.S. ended up in the ER for soccer-related injuries between 1990 and 2003. 

The Texas governor has mandated that all girls in the state are to receive the vaccine against the human papillomavirus (HPV), which causes genital warts and cervical cancer. Gov. Rick Perry issued an executive order for all girls entering the sixth grade to get the vaccine starting in 2008. And a bunch of Republicans are having none of it. I mean just think of all the sex, lots and lots of dirty underage and unprotected sex, that you would have had if you’d been vaccinated against genital warts in grade school. Kind of like all the injection drugs I used after getting vaccinated against Hepatitis B in twelfth grade.

Disclaimer: Your Health This Week and Inkling Magazine would like to remind you that this is a humorous article. We do not condone the use of selenium on grandparents, tea tree oil as a source of estrogen, or glue as a replacement intoxicant for hand sanitizer. It’s a dangerous world out there; please use your brain whenever possible.