Your Health this (Teenaged) Week

Sad about your heart failure? Well cheer up already. Being depressed about it just increases your odds of dying, according to a study of 18,623 Italians.

Many women taking Tamoxifen to prevent breast cancer recurrence are stupid and/or lazy. An Irish study of 2,800 women (via their prescription refill information) found that a whopping 35% of women had stopped taking their drug after 3.5 years, even though the clinical evidence suggests taking it, and doctors prescribe it, for five years post-diagnosis.

Even though the fad is fading, it seems there really is something to this low-carb diet, especially in the early weeks of dieting. People on an all-you-can-eat low glycemic index – a diet low in easy-to-digest carbs like sugars, white rice and white flour – lost 10.8 pounds after 12 weeks. Those told just to control calories – cut down 500 to 800 daily cals by fat reduction and portion control – lost a mere 5 pounds. Does that mean sugar-free chocolate bars are healthy again? Sweeeeet.

This just in: higher blood levels of omega-3 fatty acids may help build bone density in young....wait…men. Maximum bone density is achieved before the age of 30 and can predict osteoporosis later in life – a disease that affects four times as many women as men, largely due to menopause-related bone loss. Which is why it’s so wonderful that a bunch of Swedes did this study on 78 young men. At least we know that the omega-3s in fish oil can save the bones of postmenopausal mice.

As any angst-ridden teenage girl can tell you, phone time is a critically important facet of mental health. But in a study of people with actual depression, as opposed to hormonally programmed misery, telephone counseling sessions produced significant long-term reduction in symptoms when compared to traditional follow-up care.

Tai chi is not merely a silly-lookin’ slow-motion public sport for seniors. It actually seems to boost the immune system against the painful adult version of chicken pox, called shingles. So, um, no more laughing at the outfits.

Low iron in women can affect memory and learning abilities, according to a Penn State University study of ladies aged 18 to 35. Which kind of explains all those stupid vegetarian chicks I went to high school with. Just one of the health risks of growing up on the West Coast, I suppose.

Excessively stressful working conditions can make you obese. If only more people ran marathons and ate carrot sticks to relax, what a wonderful world it would be.

To Americans utilizing their handy Internet-based Canadian pharmacies, this news can come as no surprise: allowing free-market economics to determine drug prices seems to make them considerably more expensive, according to a study of Malaysia’s health care system. So, um, live within reasonable mailing distance of a country with socialized medicine. Or, um, vote for people who support socialized health care. Not that I am directing this advice at any particular country or nothing.

Disclaimer: Your Health This Week and Inkling magazine would like to remind you that this is a humorous article. Please do not allow the statements herein to depress you, no matter how callously they have been worded. If you do get depressed, please be extra careful with your heart. If this stresses you out, remember that you may run the risk of becoming obese. If you do become obese, you could order diet pills from a socialist country, but this article should not be construed as medical advice for so doing. Finally, Inkling would like to retract any statements inadvertently made about the intellect of any vegetarian women we may have gone to high school with. It’s an infective world out there; please use your tai chi training whenever possible.