Old Bromides for New Molecules: Bush’s New Health Man Gets Preachy and Hormonal

Bush appointed one Eric Keroack to be the new chief of “population affairs” at the Department of Health and Human Services… One of his odder theories makes him a sort of family-friendly version of General Jack D. Ripper. In Keroack’s case, the precious bodily fluid of concern is the hormone oxytocin, a.k.a. “God’s Super Glue.” Apparently, oxytocin is released during certain enjoyable activities, including hugging, massage, and, of course, sex. It is also, according to Keroack, the fluid that keeps married couples bound to each other. Therefore, if a young woman squanders her supply on too much fooling around, she can forget about ever becoming a committed wife. -Hendrik Hertzberg New Yorker 4 December 2006

“People who have misused their sexual faculty and become bonded to multiple persons will diminish the power of oxytocin to maintain a permanent bond with an individual.” -Drs. John Diggs and Eric Keroack in “Bonding Imperative,” A Special Report from the Abstinence Medical Council 2001.

“This is complete—and I say this without any hesitation—is complete pseudoscience,” said Rebecca Turner, a professor at the California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant International University in San Francisco. “He claims that my study shows women will lose their ability to bond. It’s just nowhere in my paper that says that.” -The Boston Globe 18 November 2006

Why Keroack stopped short of warning the population against the frivolous use of the other 50 odd hormones in God’s endocrine toolkit escapes us. People should be cautioned to use them sparingly, like the waterproof matches in an emergency kit.

“God’s Super Glue” Oxytocin
Oxytocin’s role is by no means limited to concreting the pair bond in a couple. It also surges after childbirth and during breastfeeding. Thus, women who respectively drop or nurse too many babies and flagrantly bond with multiple babies diminish the power of this hormone to maintain an everlasting bond with any one individual baby. People have increasingly found children forsaken mid-nurse as a result of this wanton trend: on the bus, in the library, at the park.

“God’s Prozac” Serotonin
The hormone serotonin is widely known as a chemical messenger that affects mood, behavior, and thought. A lack of serotonin in the brain is thought to be a cause of depression.

People who are giddy too much in life are serotonin spendthrifts, carpeing their diem at the cost of future happiness. The twilight of their life will be preceded by a monotone sunset masked by the greyest clouds, unlike that salmon pink and tangerine-hued one witnessed by those who wisely stockpile their store of serotonin for later. Always be careful of when you’re happy and how happy you can afford to be. A hormone molecule saved, is a hormone molecule earned.

“God’s Cookie and Warm Milk Before Bed” Melatonin
Melatonin is found in all beings from algae to humans. It helps to regulate our night and day cycle. Its production ramps up at night and is believed to aid sleep.

No matter how you look at it there’s no prudent way to use up God’s Cookie ‘n Milk. If you don’t employ it, the bags under your eyes will fast swamp your pious cheeks. If you do sleep, and let the melatonin course through your veins under the cloak of darkness, you’ll simply delay the inevitable and still become an insomniac when your supply runs out.

“God’s Double Espresso” Cortisol
Cortisol is a corticosteroid hormone that is involved with the body’s response to stress. It increases blood pressure, blood sugar levels, and suppresses the immune system. It also may cause infertility in women.

Women who allow themselves to get stressed without just cause, forfeit their right to reproduce through the profligate use of their Cortisol supply. Instead, this stress hormone should be stockpiled, employed only in times of true crisis, such as the War on Terrorism. Individuals who abuse and overuse this hormone will see their body’s response to exciting and potentially dangerous scenarios flatline at their own risk. 

“God’s Food Porn” Ghrelin
Ghrelin was identified in 1999, making it one of the newest hormones to be discovered in the human body. It’s produced in the human stomach and stimulates appetite. For example its levels increase before meals and fall afterwards. Simply put, your parents got it right: don’t spoil your appetite.

“God’s Dairy” Prolactin
Prolactin has many pernicious effects but is best known for stimulating the mammary glands to produce milk. More recently, it has also been implicated in supplying gratification after sexual acts. It is also believed to trigger the male sexual refractory period by suppressing dopamine (“God’s Crack”), which is released during sexual arousal.

Women who misappropriate their lactating faculties and nurse indiscriminately will diminish the power of prolactin and risk starving their offspring of their fundamental right to milk. Similarly those who experience too much sexual satiety risk irreversibly numbing their body’s response to prolactin, having selfishly and irresponsibly slaked their sex drive and spurned their mammalian ability to nurse - at the cost of American family values no less.

“God’s Super Bowl Weekend” Testosterone
This virilizing hormone, synonymous with manly prowess in pop culture, is credited with making men very hairy, growing their Adam’s apple, maintaining muscle mass, and masculinizing the brain – to name a few of its red-blooded duties. In men, left to its own devices, testosterone levels rise during protracted spells of sexual abstinence and fall with age.

Research also suggests that alcohol consumption temporarily increases the natural testosterone levels in a woman by 50%. Not only is an inebriated woman slovenly, but she is also more masculine and hence uncouth. Women who overindulge in imbibing will risk never sobering up from their hormonal foray into aggression and lechery.