A Conversation with Oxygen

Sometime after Billy Mays started hawking OxiClean on infomercials and before the Japanese 7-11s started selling flavored 95% oxygen in aerosol cans, the seemingly innocuous element emerged as a powerhouse of its own, becoming synonymous with clean, pure skin. Here to talk about her controversial new endorsements in a number of new products is Oxygen:

Inkling Magazine: So, how does an element come by the way of celebrity endorsement?

Oxygen: We have to pay the bills just like everyone else, you know? I really see what I’m doing as revolutionary in a way. This is the new millennium! We’ve got lizards as spokesmen for insurance companies, for goodness’ sake! Don’t think about Dionne Warwick shilling for the Psychic Friends Network – picture me more like Jessica Simpson for Proactiv. Or like Isaac Mizrahi for StriVectin. I mean, I am, like, about 20% of the Earth’s atmosphere. I think I’ve got the market cornered.

IM: Point taken. Now let’s look at a few products that are available at the makeup and beauty chain Sephora. Laboratoire Rèmede has a product out now called the Double Oxygenating Booster that “instantly brightens, refines, and controls oily and problem-prone complexions through fresh oxygen and alpha and beta hydroxy acids.”

Oxygen: Well, sure, why not? I comprise, like, two-thirds of the human body as blood and other homeostatic fluid. Why wouldn’t anyone want a clean, refreshing burst of me?

IM: Is that even a true statement, though? I was under the impression fresh oxygen was toxic.

Oxygen: Now, that’s not fair. I mean, as an unpaired single atom, my wild, free-radical side tends to shake up the stabilities of other compounds. And I guess that if I pair off with a metal and form a superoxide, I can technically pick off double bonds in the body’s organic structures, which is, like, all of it. I’m potent, but there’s nothing that can be said about me not being fresh. Check this out:  (gentle breeze blows)

IM: Okay, I guess that is pretty refreshing.

Oxygen: Yep. 

IM: Let’s talk about your role in the new Lip Injection Intensive Plumping Lip Mask by Too Faced. The product claims: “Vertical lines seem to disappear, while the blood vessel dilating properties of this plumping miracle fill the lips with a lasting and healthy rush of blood and oxygen that takes your kisser to the extreme!” How can you really claim that a product plumps lips with a rush of oxygen?

Oxygen: Well, take a look at the ingredient list. Benzyl nicotinate has the ability to hydrolyze and make nicotinic acid. That little number is a vasodilator that increases bloodflow to the skin. Capsicum frutescens Resin, a component in hot peppers, is another stimulant. Technically, these vasodilators translate into small vessels near the skin’s surface opening up and bringing more blood – and therefore, more oxygen – to the skin. 

IM: I wouldn’t call that exactly a rush of oxygen. I mean, you just happen to come along for the ride.

Oxygen: Well, po-tay-to, po-tah-to. I’m there, aren’t I?

IM: Anyway. What about Bliss’s “The Youth As We Know It?”

Oxygen: What the hell is that?

IM: It’s a crème. It’s being billed as a “one-stop shop for wrinkle renovation, exfoliation, oxygenation, binding hydration, surface line relaxation, cellular respiration, and collagen and elastin regeneration.”

Oxygen: Sheesh. These fancy names never sound like what they are. What happened to words like “lotion?” Anyway, it’s got the same vasodilating effects as above.

IM: And Peter Thomas Roth Clinical Skin Care’s Oxygen Detoxifying Masque?

Oxygen: Ditto. It’s all technically true. Can you really blame people for being enamored with oxygen? I’m clear, with no odor and no taste. I’m like a diamond, baby! True, that’s really only in gas form, but liquid and solid has a pretty pale blue color, anyway.

IM: Well, thanks for your time here today. Any last words for our readers?

Oxygen: Thanks for having me. Sorry for letting my guard down with the whole ozone layer business. It’s a big job, shielding the earth from ultraviolet rays. It’s just so much harder to squeeze myself into a three-atom ozone molecule compared to the normal breathable pair.